I keep hoping that I’ll shake free of the writer’s block that keeps gripping me. it doesn’t happen.

Since i left academia, i feel like the ideas are drying up even more that i could have guessed they would. which is honestly more disturbing that just being writer’s block. i’d hate to think i was dependent on that kind of thing for my ideas.

part of it is the sense of reaction, that i was constantly being expected to respond to nearly everything that came across my path. at a certain point, though, it started to feel awfully rote. I was writing stuff that would have been really good, if it was the first time that i’d written it. But instead, it was in perpetual rehash, a stuck note in my understanding.

another part is that i’m getting shy again. i’m not sure that it comes across in my online persona much, but in person, i am painfully shy, but trapped with the social needs of an extrovert.

i recall staying the night at a friend’s house once…because i’d had too much to drive home. she went off with her boy after they walked me to her place and i woke up the next morning, and for a moment, i felt amazing. the rain was coming down, i was in a good friend’s bed. i felt the cool air around me, the smell of the rain, and the indescribable joy of simply having the hospitality of amazing person i really admired.

it didn’t take long for the anxiety to kick in. that strange grace of knowing that i was a trusted and appricated friend vanished into a baseless paralysis. i stayed, trapped in her room, not making a sound because i couldn’t imagine actually talking to her house mates as i left…even though i knew both of them.

i ended up leaving the keys on the counter after waiting for 4 hours for them to leave…and locking the door. Yeah. So caught up in avoiding human contact that i’d completely forgotten that i was locking my friend out of her own house. when she called to pick up her keys, she was….surprised…to hear that i’d managed to do this. to this day, i’m not quite sure what she made of it.

it’s strange living like this…and i’m incredibly grateful for the friends who humor my oddities.

it’s just been making it very hard to write lately…but i am trying. i can’t tell if my academic ennui is real, if i truly am writing the same things over and over again…but i sure am paranoid that’s what’s happening.

i need to find something very different to write about for a change. ideas, anyone?

-sly

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